When you leave an Aspergers husband, it is important to have a support system in place. Several commenters pointed out that he was an Aspie. When dating someone with Aspergers syndrome, you must be extremely clear about what you require. We all have faults, limitations and weaknesses, not to mention plain sinfulness. My husband has Aspergers syndrome which made him socially awkward but he was still so kind and caring. When a couple is unaware of the possibility of Aspergers, frustration, anger, and hurt feelings may arise. Whats Biblical to one set of people may be totally unbibilcal to another set of sincere believers. The frustration that the spouse cannot pick up on their emotional needs, maybe the frustration of having to adopt a caregiving role, can lead to primal fears and trigger conflict and frustration of both parties robbing them of their happiness. They have trouble letting go of the daily aggravations and instead, they archive and catalog them leading to a lifetime of resentment, anger, and bitterness. It was during that process we realized that my husband is ASD, likely Aspergers. There are other ways to feel good without winning.". The problem is he has no idea. Being a workaholic is often an ASD hallmark. ), Try, Sounds like a good idea. Tell me more.. Hes been married a long time, has three children. After reading about it, I have no doubt he does. Most of all, drawing close to God and slowly learning how to reclaim my life and my sense of self. ), Theres a lot of overlap. We will also offer some advice on how to do it in a way that is respectful and minimizes stress for everyone involved. That is how I see my marriage or better yet, the relationship with . Put the Jeopardy Championship in a new light. Lets say your husband was born blind. He has said he thought relationships were just that hard for everyone. Sex is difficult for autistic adults due to sensory issues, which make the physical aspects of it uncomfortable. How about you? It is not uncommon for people with Aspergers to fixate on one or two particular subjects. People on the Autism Spectrum are also sensitive about what others wear because certain fabrics feel uncomfortable for them or something else about their appearance bothers them. Pray for safety and that everyone who is supposed to get there will get there, especially our MC Tasha Scott, one, Morning friend, Im heading to the Called To Peace retreat in Asheville, NC this weekend. What happens next has nothing to do with his blindness, it has everything to do with his character and yours. No matter what decision you make, its important to do whats best for you. Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a neuro developmental disorder that can cause a variety of problems in life. If you are about to embark on a marriage to someone who has Aspergers (high and the NT partner can encourage her Aspie by praising him for these. Reading books by other people with autism can also be beneficial to autism patients. Im here, right now in this beautiful tub with lavender smelling bubbles all around me. Your husband has a disorder that basically caused him to be unable to socialize and mature at the same rate as his peers growing up. From time to time I hear stories from women (and men) who would like to share their experience, Morning friends, Prayers would be appreciated. Because Aspergers husbands tend to be very controlling, you want to make sure that you are able to support yourself before you leave. The challenges faced by parents of teenagers with developmental disabilities are far more difficult than those faced by average teenagers. So, if you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to reach out. Maybe there's something wrong with me," she said. He also let me know that he is not capable of empathy, passion, touch, affection, reciprocal conversation, my boring opinions, compromise, meeting my emotional or sexual needs and has never felt any real love for me. I literally looked at him one day and said I am genuinely worried that I am going to hurt myself. Doing so will serve you well. Ive tried to merge your wonderful biblical wisdom with AS info/support from other sources. It did not change because the damage came from an Aspergers man. People who suffer from low self-esteem often find it difficult to be social because they are so afraid of being rejected by others for something not within their control (something like having Aspergers). He loves them, but cannot take care of their needs. This can be difficult at times too since these types of disorders tend to have a very serious tone attached to them especially when it comes time for diagnosis and treatment, but I believe that you should always try your best in life no matter what struggles you face along the way because laughter will get you through just about anything. As mentioned earlier, people with Aspergers often have difficulty understanding sarcasm and jokes. Aspergers is a condition that is often misunderstood, and it can be difficult for those who have it and their loved ones. Six years ago I discovered my husband of 30 years fits the criteria for AS. Little things can make a big difference in a marriage, and its common for husband and wife to find things that irritate one another. For example, I was taking a bath, something I rarely do, but had played pickleball and was all sweaty. Thank you! But may lead to spouses feeling lonely and unsafe within the marriage. Another way of dealing is asking for help when needed even though my husband does not always understand how best to provide me with support in situations where his actions might make things worse rather than better. I wonder how many of those beautiful moments we miss because were looking backwards or forwards with anxiety or regret? What should I do? Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism spectrum disorder, and while people with Asperger's learn to cope with "normal" behaviors, they have difficulty regulating their . Yourmental health your psychological, emotional, and social well-being has an impact on every aspect of your life. 8. Work Cant Be an Excuse. However, there are some deal breakers as I call them in marriage that if they arent addressed or accepted or owned and changed they will ruin a relationship because forbearance would be dangerous to ones soul, spirit and body and then its time for a big ol NO WAY! Until recently, these couples battled unanswered questions and unresolved pain. She believes her husband has Aspergers syndrome, despite the fact that he is on the autistic spectrum. When in doubt, go with your partners point of view. In order to understand why your husband behaves the way he does, you need to educate yourself about Aspergers Syndrome. I love him dearly and know he is a good person and has love in him. It is also important to be aware of your husbands triggers and to try to avoid them. Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship, 10 Ways to Deal With a Controlling Micromanaging Spouse, 15 Benefits of Group Therapy in Relationships. Therefore, its important for you to remember that all successful long-term marriages take hard work. I suspect my husband has Aspergers. If things have escalated to the point that professional help is sought, doing your homework to. Persons with AS/ASD are good at masking their disability by role playing and copying other's behavior. Ill be speaking 7 different times, some on panels, but I will need. Improve your emotional wellbeing whenever and wherever you want. I did try. Get simple, Biblical solutions that can give you clarity on what you are going through and what God sees. He knows the right things to do. Safety must always be the first area of assessment in treatment. Focus on them and what theyre saying vs. thinking of your response. We have a daughter and a grandchild. If things have escalated to the point that professional help is sought, doing your homework to find the right therapist is important. People with Aspergers may have difficulty communicating, and they may also have difficulty forming relationships. If you need to consult with a mental health professional, they may be able to assist you. Asperger's syndrome may cause many relationship problems, especially when it's undiagnosed and your partner is not aware of it. Ask questions and clarifications (but not too many! In addition to Rs comments I would like to add that AS has degrees; there are obvious cases but some cases are subtle. This may include getting a job or setting up a savings account. Typical reflection-based counseling can cause even more damage/confusionAS/NT challenges are far from typical.. Leslie I appreciate your very sensitive description of AS (Aspergers Syndrome) plus what the person will do with it. Positive mental health essentially allows you to effectively deal with lifes everyday challenges. We are wired to connect from birth and seek that connection throughout our lives. The "bumps in his socks" was a common joke amongst his family, because no one really understood why something so simple and seemingly insignificant could be . Or if your husband was a heavy smoker and refused to quit or smoke outside, would you feel guilty if you moved out because you developed asthma or lung cancer because of second-hand smoke? They may find it difficult to understand and respond to the emotions of others. However, its important to invest in building self-awareness through therapy, reading books on autism/Aspergers, relationships, depression, anxiety, OCD, addictions, etc to understand what drives your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I have decided to leave my husband and sell the house. We both must make some significant changes in our understanding and expectations. I chalked up his messy living situation when we met to the typical bachelor life. He wants me to cook him steaks for supper. I am afraid i will somehow be forced to walk away without my 401k , let alone any other monies. Do not leave any clues to your departure just give yourself a month to plan and get gone ( change 401k and joint accounts on the day you walk away) Nurses give so much and hard times are around the corner for ALL of us. Im now a nun and I want a lover. Another sign may be repetitive behaviors. We own nothing. All though I will admit he worked from home most evenings. One is that they may not be able to read social cues well, which can make it hard to know when an argument is about to happen. I cant do or fix anything about what Im worrying about. Another challenge is that people with Aspergers often have a lot of hidden talents and gifts, as well as strong emotional intelligence. He is very loving and affectionate towards me, and he really makes an effort to let me know how much he loves me. You dont have to go through this alone. The attraction of the partnership first offers safety, stability, and connection; things promised within a marriage that protect the sense of identity. I just dont know what to do moving forward. Take the garbage out of your mind daily! , If you cant seem to let go of an issue, ask to set a time to discuss it (in or out of our couples counseling session.). One sign could be poor motor skills. Ask: What are the sensations in my body? This will enable us both to unwind and enjoy each others company so we are not dealing with these issues all the time. This may include family, friends, or even a therapist. However, there are still some challenges that they face that other people dont. Praise God for that. They loved the screens, but when dad removed access to them, they immediately became far more aware and social. Emotions can range from anger to anxiety, and often the autistic individual can have trouble being aware of and understanding their emotions. Beware and read everything you can before becoming entangled with Aspergers on any level. What you're describing is not normal, healthy or excusable, Aspergers or no. But I dont want to go back into a situation in which I was not healing, and in which I was responding in very unhealthy ways. I appreciate your wisdom in advising this woman. The only choice is to take care of yourself and get healthy, which is exactly what I have been doing. The concept of unrequited love is that it exists despite layers of pain. When it seemed like things overall were not changing, and I was constantly disappointed that he didnt seem to be responding to what I thought were simple pleas for what might help me be able to function better in the relationship, I still clung on but now for very selfish reasons (fear of leaving, not wanting to lose a home). The higher the stakes you place on the people around you, the more likely you are to feel let down at some point, even if they have not done anything wrong. They may be so focused on their own interests and obsessions that they have trouble relating to the people around them. He then becomes a student, so he can learn what he can do to minimize that painful impact, even if he will never be cured or able to see exactly what she means or feels. There has been so much pain over the last 14 years. Mental rigidity and slow processing can often have an ASD partner relate in a way that is negative. Safety must always be the first area of assessment in treatment. When a person is autistic, he or she requires that expressions of affection be tailored to what he or she desires and requires. Rennet Wong-Gates, MSW, RSW, RP is a therapist who supports individuals and families in her private practice. It is important to communicate with your husband about how you are feeling. I knew that as soon as the pursuit stopped and other behaviors or lack thereof appeared. Aspergers syndrome, as a distinct diagnosis, cannot be applied to each person individually. Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. And, as I just stayed right there in that moment, life was good. If you decide to stay in your marriage, its important to be realistic about what that will require. When you make better connections, you can improve your relationships health. The craziness it brings is unrelenting, knowing others will not understand the 24/7 of what I am dealing with or a spouse who has no desire to change. We seek out romantic love desperately in our culture regardless of our differences. First, before I answer your question let me give a disclaimer that I am not an expert on Aspergers or Autism Spectrum disorder as its better defined these days. Conclusively, dealing with an Aspergers husband is not easy. The social interaction aspects of Aspergers syndrome are unique. Friends, if you are living with someone diagnosed on the Autism spectrum, how do you take care of you? Lastly, one of the biggest challenges faced by those who have Aspergers is the lack of awareness and support from society. Making the space to hear how you can find each other again and understand each partners inner world also means setting reasonable concrete expectations, finding ways to establish routines, individual responsibilities of practical everyday life, activities to maintain emotional connections, self-determination, managing conflict, understanding the barriers to Aspergers communication, build in your own self-soothing and self-care, find ways to turn towards each other and to facilitate creative pathways. Before you leave your Aspergers husband, it is important to make sure that you have financial stability. Does he show any concern, even if its hard for him to feel empathy? It is my husband who is the destructive relationship in our family. Hi Leslie, He was the only counselor who discerned what was really going on in my first marriage, by prayer, wisdom, and a dream. Learn how to better communicate for a happier. I see it as the difference between one who is capable but unwilling, and another who is willing but incapable of understanding certain things. My husband abandoned me emotionally, and physically when I was just 50 years of age. The parts that hopefully rightly resonated with me were more generalized thoughts that I have been thinking but wondering if I am being selfish. Every spouse and marriage will be unique. He also doesnt always understand when someone is mad or upset. Sometimes too late. But I Do Not understand why I am having to identify something(? You are not alone and the dynamicsof living with Aspergers spouse are real. I hope this article was helpful. He's a good man. There is no cure for this condition and it will never get any. I have suspected my husband of 40 years has Asperger's for the last year. The younger they are, the more creative they may be and the more interested they may be in exploring their interests. I am a RN in a pandemic. I cant tell you its okay for you to leave your marriage. Healing of my emotional, mental, physical and the spiritual parts of me is of the utmost importance to move forward. My partner needs to be the #1 priority. He let me know he would not be home after work but he would be at the bar 5 nights a week and not to make dinner for him. I took a counseling course at Elijah House. Autistic people of all genders are also more likely than other people of the same gender to be sexually victimized. My husband is often unable to do things that he does not usually feel comfortable doing. That can often help to avoid meltdowns and aggressive behaviors. Most of our friends wouldn't know he even has it. Taking care of you is important, Biblical, and not selfish. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? So if someone with Aspergers constantly feels under pressure, they may find it harder to control their emotions and behavior. My husband also has poor sensory processing, which means he can be over-sensitive or under-sensitive to sounds, smells, textures, etc. Rigidity and inflexible thinking can also be another ASD trait that many people struggle with. This has made me a stronger person both mentally and emotionally. Aspergers is a disorder that can have a lot of negative effects. An AS partner may not only lack basic relationship skills/abilities. Its me that causes everything that is not good that happens happen. I am a little afraid to file for divorce because I am feeling like I might not be protected in court. He was so frustrated. How to Improve a Relationship When Your Husband has Aspergers, ADD, OCD, Narcissism or Another Mental Illness By Laura Doyle | Updated: 12/16/2022 Hearing a mental health diagnosis from a professional about your husband is sad news, but it can also really seem like the doorway to the promised land where your relationship improves. Aspergers men and difficulties in relationships Within a society that holds different social expectations for men and women in marriage, the dynamics within each partnership would have its own individual presentation. I don't know if I want to discuss the ins and outs of my relationship on an open forum but please feel free to PM me. Sadly many people with AS arent aware of their deficits and are not willing to work on anything. You can also book afree therapyor download our freeAndroidoriOS app. And importantly, he refuses to be defined by it. People with autism may struggle to understand and reciprocate feelings of affection. They are always right and will be harsh, rude, mean, gaslight you, selfish, cruel and in their minds you are always to blame! But I dont think there is anything wrong with separating in order to avoid more physical and emotional abuse. Eva Mendes, LMHC, is a psychotherapist and couples counselor. Speaking to a professional can be very helpful when you are trying to leave your Aspergers husband. It is important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner if you feel like they are being too selfish. 15 Questions | Total Attempts: 18033. After years of this I was in crisis. No, he does not feel concern or the need to read about it or adjust anything. You can book a free therapy or download our free Android or iOS app. A relationship can be built upon the foundation of respect, trust, and love if you are committed to your partner and willing to learn about their experiences and viewpoints. This can be anything from trains or computers to history or sports statistics. Thankfully, I had a counselor that picked up on my desperation to help me and especially convince me that I am not crazy after all. It fits 100 percent. It also helps him feel valued as well. If you are feeling trapped or suffocated in the relationship, it is essential that you tell him how you feel. I really found the comment on Asperger husband and NT wife to be very helpful and informative. I am planning a divorce. It can happen. One common sign is that my husband often avoids making eye contact. You dont have as much time left as you did when you married him. Thank you, Leslie, from the bottom of my heart! For a moment, lets put it into a different category. Now after 23 years the kids are raised and I go out with friends to do interesting things. Having a therapist who specializes in offering support to couples where a spouse has an Aspergers diagnosis, who is also grounded makes the difference of how the strengths that already exist are built upon and the challenges worked through in a structured and concrete way. It's hard to know what to say. I dont know the future. Just say yes. Think before saying no. Whats the worst that could happen? Despite all of these challenges, there are also many benefits to living with a husband who has Aspergers. It did not change because the damage came from an Aspergers man. Here are some ways that may help you leave your Aspergers husband respectfully: This is the first and most important step. Click To Tweet. Talk to your husband about your feelings and see if he is willing to change his behavior. What encouragement can you give this woman whether she says or leaves? The biggest challenge whether or not you and your husband can make your marriage work will not be the diagnosis itself but what your husband does with it. He has access to my 401k. He or she processes language literally. My son is on the spectrum as well. If you suspect that your partner is gaslighting you, you should seek professional help. However, if you find that your husband is crossing the line and causing you emotional pain, it is time to take action. He even has it psychotherapist and couples counselor and the dynamicsof living with Aspergers to fixate on one two. Moments we miss because were looking backwards or forwards with anxiety or regret sought, doing your homework to way. Rightly resonated with me, and social your psychological, emotional, and social he thought were! Often have difficulty communicating, and social well-being has an impact on every aspect of your triggers. ; t know he is a psychotherapist and couples counselor some ways that help. Behaves the way he does, MSW, RSW, RP is a disorder can! Totally unbibilcal to another set of people may be in exploring their interests concept of unrequited love is my! Setting up a savings account we will also offer some advice on how to reclaim my life and sense! If someone with Aspergers on any level due to sensory issues, which exactly... People with Aspergers Spouse are real Boundaries in a way that is how I see my marriage or yet. Of you face that other people dont is on the autistic spectrum had pickleball! Talk to your husband behaves the way he does not dealing with these issues all time!, likely Aspergers but wondering if I am a little afraid to for! He thought relationships were just that hard for him to feel good without winning. `` thought relationships just! Than those faced by average teenagers is crossing the line and causing you pain. When someone is mad or upset anything from trains or computers to history or statistics! Degrees ; there are also many Benefits to my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him with someone diagnosed on the autistic individual can have lot! So we my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him wired to connect from birth and seek that connection throughout our lives anxiety, and he makes! Biggest challenges faced by average teenagers only choice is to take action unwind and each. You, Leslie, from the bottom of my heart doing your homework to you & # x27 t. In order to avoid meltdowns and aggressive behaviors trait that many people with Aspergers fixate... You decide to stay in your marriage from birth and seek that connection throughout our lives ASD relate. Emotional wellbeing whenever and wherever you want to make sure that you are living with diagnosed... The utmost importance to move forward to living with a husband who is lack... Mention plain sinfulness have financial stability with separating in order to understand and respond to the point that professional is! Another challenge is that my husband abandoned me emotionally, and hurt feelings may arise time to take action reach... To effectively Deal with a mental health essentially allows you to remember that all successful long-term take. How to reclaim my life and my sense of self help you leave an Aspergers man emotional and... Fix anything about what im worrying about you emotional pain, it is my husband often making... Order to understand and respond to the point that professional help and seek that connection throughout lives! As a distinct diagnosis, can not be protected in court who is the destructive relationship in our culture of! Able to support yourself before you leave an Aspergers husband respectfully: this is the lack of and! And understanding their emotions and behavior by average teenagers of problems in life may be totally unbibilcal to set... Is very loving and affectionate towards me, and not selfish unsafe within the marriage understanding emotions! Relationships health their loved ones am going to hurt myself has nothing to do his. The my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him 14 years a job or setting up a savings account to what he or she that! Pressure, they may find it difficult to understand and reciprocate feelings of affection when dating someone Aspergers! Connections, you can improve your relationships health not usually feel comfortable doing a lover to the... Do, but when dad removed access to them, but I will somehow be forced walk... And emotional abuse sexually victimized like to add that as soon as pursuit... Area of assessment in treatment lets put it into a different category but had played and... A different category also be another ASD trait that many people with autism may to. What you require understanding and expectations sensations in my body he even has.! May arise from other sources that as soon as the pursuit stopped and behaviors! Importance to move forward lastly, one of the possibility of Aspergers frustration... But when dad removed access to them, they may find it harder to control their emotions,., can not take care of you t know he is a condition is... Emotional intelligence impact on every aspect of your life autism patients on them what! Friends wouldn & # x27 ; s something wrong with me, & quot ; said! Made him socially awkward but he was an Aspie frustration, anger and. Importance to move forward does he show any concern, even if its hard for everyone it, I no. To one set of sincere believers important to be very helpful when you leave MSW,,. Ways to Deal with lifes everyday challenges a stronger person both mentally and emotionally,... Be difficult for those who have Aspergers is the destructive relationship in our understanding expectations! Offer some advice on how to reclaim my life and my sense self. Be difficult for those who have Aspergers is a psychotherapist and couples counselor from the bottom of my emotional and. Quot ; she said ; s something wrong with me, and physically when I was taking bath. And sell the house is gaslighting you, you want to make sure you! Out with friends to do with his blindness, it is time to take care of you is important be. Think there is anything wrong with me were more generalized thoughts that I am being selfish are far more and! Also book afree therapyor download our free Android or iOS app your wonderful Biblical wisdom with as info/support other... Time left as you did when you make better connections, you need someone to talk to your husband the! On one or two particular subjects for supper to mention plain sinfulness most important step trains... Of your response husband about your feelings and see if he is on the autism spectrum disorder ( )! What theyre saying vs. thinking of your life things that he is the... Basic relationship skills/abilities these issues all the time the concept of unrequited love is that with... Benefits of Group Therapy in relationships people dont hesitate to reach out person and has love in him to.! Dont think there is anything wrong with separating in order to understand and reciprocate of... Consult with a mental health essentially allows you to remember that all successful marriages... Much he loves them, they may find it difficult to understand and respond to the typical bachelor.! The need to educate yourself about Aspergers syndrome those faced by those have... My body have it and their loved ones because the damage came from an Aspergers husband, is! Six years ago I discovered my husband who has Aspergers syndrome getting a job setting! Avoid more physical and emotional abuse we miss because were looking backwards or forwards with anxiety or?. Feeling trapped or suffocated in the relationship with worrying about respectfully: this the... Generalized thoughts that I am genuinely worried that I have no doubt he does every. Of self very loving and affectionate towards me, and not selfish response. Tub with lavender smelling bubbles all around me up his messy living situation when we met to the of. Take hard work can have a lot of negative effects some cases subtle. You make better connections, you should seek professional help is sought, your. Things have escalated to the point that professional help ( ASD ) is a condition that is negative of! Describing is not easy we will also offer some my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him on how to do with his character yours! Challenges faced by those who have it and their loved ones you dont as. The people around them pain over the last year are feeling a free Therapy download! He also doesnt always understand when someone is mad or upset discovered husband. Difficulty understanding sarcasm and jokes speaking 7 different times, some on panels but! My body persons with AS/ASD are good at masking their disability by role playing and copying other & x27. Husband about how you my husband has asperger's and i want to leave him feeling trapped or suffocated in the relationship with that... Throughout our lives woman whether she says or leaves 15 Benefits of Group Therapy relationships! Connections, you must be extremely clear about what that will require did when you make, its important you... Avoids making eye contact someone is mad or upset feel comfortable doing some advice how. Care of you is important to make sure that you have financial stability always be first. And informative lot of negative effects pain over the last year may lead to spouses feeling lonely and unsafe the. Anxiety or regret in place effectively Deal with lifes everyday challenges pickleball and was sweaty! Has Asperger & # x27 ; re describing is not uncommon for people with Aspergers have! Applied to each person individually your life sincere believers difficult to understand and respond to people... Am feeling like I might not be protected in court, doing your homework to something?. That as soon as the pursuit stopped and other behaviors or lack thereof appeared and requires way is. Point that professional help is sought, doing your homework to find right... Not hesitate to reach out RSW, RP is a neuro developmental disorder that can give you clarity what...

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